


severus "done with this shit" snape

by JewFlexive



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Community: snapedom, Dark Crack, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Non-Linear Narrative, Severus Snape Needs a Hug, Slightly Senile Dumbledore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 00:18:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17415344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JewFlexive/pseuds/JewFlexive
Summary: “Severus, you need to eat!”“In this economy?”





	severus "done with this shit" snape

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tswhlon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tswhlon/gifts).



> AU where Snape had no filter or chose not to use it.

**i.  
**Harry, Ron, and Hermione were standing over the troll’s body as Professor McGonagall lectured them about recklessness and foolishness when Snape walked in.  
  
Harry watched as the Potions professor’s eyes widened at the troll. He then let out an angry huff and closed his eyes.  
  
“I’m tendering my resignation tonight, Minerva. I’m too old for this shit.”  
  
“Severus!"  
  
 **ii.  
**Snape stalked into class with a terrifying expression on his face. Hermione straightened and readied her quill. He turned to the class.

“Welcome, students, to Double Depression. Turn to page 436.”

Hermione’s hand shot up in the air. “Professor, don’t you mean Double Potions?”

Snape’s hand froze over his notebook and his onyx eyes seemed even blacker.

“I said what I said.”  
  
 **iii.  
**“Severus, you can’t live off of black coffee.”

“Not with that attitude.”

Madame Pomfrey sighed and began to make plans. Stunning him before administering nutrition potions would do the trick in a pinch.  
  
 **iv.  
**Snape walked into Professor Lupin’s class right as Neville cast _riddikulus_ on his boggart.

Harry and his friends held their breath as the professor studied his well-dressed doppelgänger.

Snape sighed another one of those big sighs of his before leaning heavily against the wall.

“This might as well be happening.”  
  
**v.  
**“Severus, have you ever thought about therapy?”

“Why pay a person to pry into my life and give me unsolicited advice when I have you, Albus?”

Albus nodded before taking a long drink from his goblet. Severus had always been a smart boy.

 **vi.  
**Many of the Slytherins had thrown a party after the Yule Ball and were sporting massive hangovers. Right before Potions class, Draco was elected as the representative to get ingredients for a hangover potion.

Groaning, he walked up to his godfather as the man prepared the ingredients for the upcoming class.

“Hey, Severus, can I have—”

Snape dropped a cast iron cauldron into another and Draco clutched his head.

Snape smirked and proceeded to open a curtain to a long forgotten dungeon window to let the morning sun into his classroom.

Draco decided that Pansy could cover getting the ingredients. He had a toilet with his name on it.

As his godson ran out groaning, Severus grinned. He loved his job.  
**  
vii.  
**“All I’m saying is that the students would get more done if we banned sleep.”

“Severus, people need sleep to function.”

“That is a lie. I haven’t slept in years. I’m functioning perfectly.”

Snape glared at McGonagall, stood to leave the faculty meeting, and promptly passed out.  
  
**viii.  
**Remus didn’t really understand the politics of the Hogwarts faculty yet.

For instance, Snape had walked in earlier ranting about Dumbledore and a hare-brained scheme, using a litany of curse words Remus had never even heard before (and he’d shared a dormitory with Sirius Black).

Eventually he’d tired himself out and threw himself in an armchair before closing his eyes and breathing quickly through his nose.

Minerva had just patted Snape on the head and passed Pomona a Galleon with a fond smile.  
  
**ix.  
**“Filius?”

“Yes, Minerva?”

“Why is Severus banging his head against a wall?”

“Albus and him went to a Muggle pub.”

“How nice. But that doesn’t explain––”

“Have you seen Albus’ Muggle outfits, Minnie?”

“Oh. Oh, dear.”

Minerva walked over to Severus and joined him.  
  
**x.  
**Severus banged a hand on his desk, catching everyone’s attention as he glared at Harry and Ron talking emphatically instead of taking notes. Everyone expected him to start yelling, but instead he kinda just… slumped, running a hand through his potions-stained hair.

“Can we not do the whole _you’re a dunderhead_ thing and say we did? It’s been a long day, is all, and I’m not sure it’ll be as cathartic for me as usual.”

“Do you want to talk about it, Professor?” Neville asked kindly.

Albus walked in a half hour later.

“I just love so deeply, you know?” Severus was musing, his head in young Harry’s lap as Draco took notes and nodded sagely. “Maybe it makes me easy to manipulate. I have all these confusing _feelings_ …”

“I know how that goes, mate,” Ron agreed gravely, patting the professor’s knee in solidarity as he threw Hermione a shy look. Albus took that as his cue to leave.  
  
**xi.  
**“No, Ms. Granger, the contents of last week’s exhaustion-induced nervous breakdown will not be on the exam.”

“But what about this week’s?” Hermione frowned.

Severus thought about it for a moment.

“Perhaps. I’d study Mr. Malfoy’s notes if I were you.”  
  
**xii.  
**“Do walk Remus down to Filch’s office, Severus. I’m afraid he’ll say something too cheery to that poor man and get hung from the rafters by his toes.”

“That would be a wonderful alternative to therapy, Filius. Albus will be pleased– thank you for the suggestion.”

“Severus, honestly.”

“Ugh, alright. I will not let Lupin get hung by his toes.”  
  
**xiii.  
**“Severus, why is Remus hanging from the rafters by his collar?”

“I have to live for something, Filius.”  
  
**xiv.  
**“Albus, can you respect my agency for just one second?”

“I thought I’d told you, my boy. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

“No, you told that to Potter.”

“Who?”  
  
**xv.  
**“Severus?”

“Yes, Draco?"

“Would you be mad if I told you that when Potter and I were hexing each other near Flitwick’s classroom, my mouth accidently made prolonged contact with his mouth? Like, for a while.”

There was stony silence. Draco sighed.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Guess I better not tell you about the time my tongue accidently got tangled with his when we were arguing in your supply cupboard either, then. We’ve been awfully clumsy lately.”

(A faction of future biographers would later point to this moment in Wizarding History to determine when exactly Headmaster Snape lost his will to live.)

(The truth was, he’d never had one.)

**Author's Note:**

> #metoo


End file.
